Quite often I blog about self-improvement, celebrating your successes and practicing self-care. I’ve always wanted this blog to be a haven for people to come to and get real, practical advice on feeling better and appreciating yourself.
But actually, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, I am my harshest critic.
Y’see, I don’t give a shit about other people think of me. Not in that teenage rebellious way. But in that way where I can confidently say “what you see, is what you get”. If you don’t like what you see, then that’s fine but you won’t see me changing.
But I really care what I think of me. Like, way too much. I am so critical of myself. Not about gaining a few pounds, or the friendly red pal that’s made an appearance on my jawline for the umpteenth time – but about my ability to be successful, to get things right.
Choosing to work for myself on paper sounds empowering (or as many people around me decided to call it “brave”) – but in reality, it’s a terrifying thing for someone so hard on themselves to do. From years of working for an employer, I am used to semi-regular gratification. A “well done”, or “good job” when I’ve worked hard. But when you’re the boss, the only person that can give you that reassurance, that pat on the back…is you.
…But why is that so hard? Really I should be elated at how well my business is going from such early days. Sure, I still have a long way to go to make it sustainable but I’m doing really well at making connections and I actually have client projects to work on! Instead of it being a cause to celebrate, it feels like I must do more.
The real question is – how am I going to break this cycle? How am I going to remember to be proud of myself and to remind myself of how far I’ve come?
I think the key to it is reminding myself that I am always growing. Not physically cos lol 5ft ain’t ever gonna happen. But mentally and emotionally I am always growing. I am learning all of the time. Things about myself, my life, my aspirations.
We’re all growing. Today we know more than we did yesterday. Tomorrow we’ll know more than today. I love learning because I’m a proper nerd, so it’s time to start entertaining the idea that every day and every experience is a learning process. That I am doing the best I can, and that’s pretty damn good.
But there will be days when I’m not doing so good. When I’m not as productive as the day before. When I don’t feel like I’m able to do my best. When I cry because I’ve pushed myself too hard, or simply because I needed to.
That’s OK though, because it never lasts and I can still grow from all of these experiences. You can too.